Mo's Atttic

Another Loss

2009-06-13T09:24:00.004-04:00

Few month ago I lost a brother to a cancer. Muhamad Zafrullah Riza. He lived in Makassar, a city we were born and grew up. I heard of his grave condition and flew there to see him. I had a chance to say goodbye, I attended his funeral. I stayed in his house a night after his death, I know hew would like that. It was a huge loss for me, and I was glad I was there with him until at the end.
Yesterday, I was on my way home from work when my brother called me with a sad news. My younger sister Dian Mayasari Riza unexpectedly passed away. It was an unbearably sad news to me. She was my little sister. She was just remarried and was happy with her new life. She left two lovely daughters. I remember her well now, how jovial she was. Loud and funny, though and sensitive. Life has not always be kind to her, but she persevere and always came out OK. I remember her to be the most affected by my father death. I remember her jokes and her love of noodles and beef balls from street vendor. I remember her fascination with her make-up and appearance. I remember my little sister and I miss her so, I hope I have been a good brother to you. Rest in Peace.

Being productive in between yawns

2009-06-02T23:51:00.003-04:00

The hardest thing for me is to decide when to stop and go to bed. It seems trivial when all I can do is yawning. My old me, the one that doesn't seems to need much sleep has been bothered by the new me, the yawner before midnight. I have recruited the help of coffee pods and heavy teas, yawns persists. I tempted my self with great articles and applaudable music, the yawns pushed harder. I seems to stare through the two inches iMac, even though I am actually reading or writing, cleaning images, or selecting few photos out of thousands, given it is not that interesting. But I used to do all this with such easy of unblinking eyes and zero yawn. I am troubled by getting old.

The Sense of Direction

2009-03-15T07:29:00.008-04:00

I always pride my self for having such a good sense of directions. In life, generally speaking and geographically, not to count some moments of confusion after coming out from a subway station in an unfamiliar places. I picture my life in a long line of string(s) both end attached to nails on opposite walls. One end is attached to a single nail on the wall, on the other end it is loosely attached to one of many nails on the wall. Along the length of the string(s) hanging are object and markers, pictures and visions, songs and noise that often tighten, often loosen but always adding point of interest along the lines.

Completion

2008-04-14T00:00:00.002-04:00

So, I finally finished another sketchbook. I have dedicated this book to a friend, Once finished I to send the book as promised. It is surprisingly long time to complete, it has become a journal of my covered parallel existence in lines and marks. I hope friendship and love last longer than the stories drawn in this book.

Self Med

2007-11-05T18:07:00.000-05:00

I find it funny and annoying to get sick on ly on the weekends. But it seems to work that way with my body, I was build to be one of the worker bees, that even my unwell is scheduled not to interrupt my work.
Through the year, like most people I know, who exchange germs on the subway, stair railings or in the badly ventilated offices, I got sick, here and there. I anticipated this during the shifting of the seasons, flu or cold... but mostly common cold. I rarely visit doctor, unless some kind of infection involved, respiratory related. I self medicate.
Over the years I have relyed on traditional medicine I brought from home, Tiger Balm and "Minyak Tawon" or Wasp's Oil which is actually herbal mixtures with eucalyptus oil and camphor. Rubbing my self with these, mostly around the chest area, warm pajamas and layers of blankets, along with lots of sleep, occasional get-up for hot teas or warm water, would somehow guaranteed to take me out of common misery of cold. But, lately all those were just to much work! I now chose to knock my self out at night with NyQuil, and during the day prop my self up with DayQuil. Done.

State of Mind

2007-11-01T17:36:00.001-04:00

I have been distracted lately, not much activity in the creative department other than work. I have been taking photographs, but very behind in editing and posting. I started new sketchbook on food, but stopped working on it, and for a while even misplaced the thing. My distractions have mostly emotionally sources, something that I always try to analyze, solved and resolved, even though I know the best thing to do actually to just let it flow. It's better now. I let things go and started to plan a couple of creative projects. Today I had encouraging email. So it's even better. We all need an angel to save or state of mind...

Been Busy

2007-07-09T02:57:00.001-04:00

Sketchbook Two - Pen/Ink Drawing
Originally uploaded by moriza

Wow, I haven't post in a while. I have been traveling much, so not much time to sit and formulate something in writing. It does not mean I have not been creating, drawing or being the artist me. In fact, I have been drawing, in fact A LOT! Always carried in my back is my camera, my sketchbook with couple of working black pen. Now it is just a matter of finding time to scan or captures them drawings. Coming Soon, is all I can say about that.

Aqua Dream

2007-06-18T16:45:00.001-04:00

I captured my dream this morning. This is a rare occasion. Now I wonder if all of these are actually my creation?

I was in a gallery for an installation type show by young Spanish/Latin artist.
Lots of blue, cobalt deep kind of blue.
Stacks of aquariums with animal colorful performance in habitat, genetically altered.
Fish fulling another fish from attaching to something or brest feeding on the glass wall.
Big underwater animal giving birth or laying egg? while attaching to the glass wall, viewer has all the exposure.
Sea horse type chained with jewels studded leash to the aquarium floor.
Human mom giving birth or exercise with babies underwater.
Large reclining Budha type sculptures.
All these seems to be packed in small dark gallery room.

Next room the show was about Japanese artist who is collaborating with is son on story book, thin paper with pencil and label type pasted from under the paper. The work displayed on big table sliced off a tree trunk.

Then I woke up.

Awaken

2007-06-16T04:15:00.001-04:00

Lately I have been staring at blank wall. Not because I have been unsinspired, in fact I have been full of ideas, as usual. I have been unmotivated I must say, to do other than staring blank. I suspect this is all temporary - mood based. Can be fixed by way of internal mechanism and mind alchemy, the rest by diversification of attention - in short bursts.

The last couple of days I have been disconnecting again from the reality, swayed by my desire and the voice on the other end of the line. Blinded by immense caring I have thus misplaced my self again.

If there is something constant about my self, it is my thoughts and wondering. Uncontrollable craving of familiar scent, sound and warmth. Unfulfilled, I am using that to fuel my writing, photographs, drawings, midnight rambling. But most of the time, it came out as pure blank.

Tablet Drawing

2007-06-13T14:43:00.000-04:00

I have been using my tablet computer that I received from work for the last 4 months or so. I love it, despite that is running Windows. I used the tablet functionality in several note taking applications and loving the flexibility and efficiency it has provided me. So far I've been doing strictly work related drawings and sketching. But, since I carry this thing with me everyday, I thought I should take advantage of it and do some personal art with the tablet. I found it to be perfect to do my line drawings.

Meteorologist

2007-06-10T20:30:00.001-04:00

Meteorologist
Originally uploaded by moriza

Perpetually in a state of meditation, he has his senses acute as wild game or school of fish. His coverage of prediction is small, roughly a square mile, but accurate to the number of raindrops and beads of sweat. He is part of a legion of weathermen, they come out once a year, each stands (for a whole day) as a node in a network and predicts the weather for the whole year...

I wish I have my own meteorologist, to consult of weather ahead. Things are appearing to be unpredictable, much more often than I wish them to be, including my predicament and reaction to certain heartfelt situations. I'd like to be able to pin point my step, responding to the turn of your head, swing of your arms and beat of your heart.

Tired

2007-06-09T02:28:00.000-04:00

I think I am tired of chasing, I decided to stay put. I guess I have been deaf, missing the dullness between the dial tone and the click at the end. I know I have been blinded by mirage of conversations. But there is nothingness, one sidedness, that I must realize and accept. No, I would not need a demonstration, or overtly reaction, that so usual coming from me. I will cease care, I will hold heart, I will stop snooping, I will remember to forget this time, as you wished all along.

Silence over land

2007-06-07T14:42:00.001-04:00

Chimenea de la Tierra 12 & 13Originally uploaded by moriza.

For some reason this silence has become annoyance, causing me to exaggerate noises long ceased, by rethinking the obvious. I have to put up and let go, or ask a friend like EO to kick mine arse. I can't wait for tomorrow meet up, and see her reaction to the deep shit I am immersing my self still, since our last conversation. I wonder is she would be able to detect the fracture in mind and soul over food. I am thinking Kenka or Cha an, or Angel Share.

Simple pleasure of conversation

2007-06-06T01:41:00.000-04:00

Hard to define how a conversation, unpoised, take me away from my troubled mind. Thoroughly enjoying it, I am immersed by voice, sounds, music or even steps behind the topics. Along the conversation, I travel far north to be in your new place, walking along your side, being there familiarizing my self with the layout, the corners, closets and the pantry in the kitchen. Visual memory from the last tour set a stage for me to slide even hover, while I dance with your story. If only I can smell the egg frying, or see those fingers on the black and white keys.
A conversation with long pause in between, while I listen to every cooked of fingers, running water, flushed toilet, dimming of lights even secret conversation on instant messaging. It is hard to define, but all these conversation have defined me.

The Ice Sculptor

2007-06-05T02:38:00.001-04:00

The Ice Sculptor
Originally uploaded by moriza.

I met a friend today, I haven't met her in a while. I am concern of her situation, her sadness, the visible tiresome and the short look in her eyes. She had helped me before, pointed me to the simplest answer. I wished I could offer something and ease her almost sorrow outlook, some advice in any form. I did not, since I haven't much to say, but to listen. Be well, I wished you.

Apart Ment

2007-06-03T03:44:00.000-04:00

I am glad to night, I am glad to hear a familiar voice, I am glad to see a place about where I can imagine some one living comfortably. I am glad to see a glimps of one I miss and long for. I am glad to walk around the corner and peek into the rooms where beatiful being freshend up, clothes wash and dried, tired body rested, curtained from the bright early morning sun and noisy night outside. I am glad that good place come together nicely, to you.
Good things happen to good person, I know that and I wished that. I only hope that it is true for me.

Short Week

2007-06-01T22:30:00.001-04:00

Sketchbook Two - Pen/Ink Drawing
Originally uploaded by moriza.

Starting to draw again, starting to write again. I want to be prolific, I want to be constant creative, inspiring and inspired by many around me. I think it's a modest objective, considering I work hard to get here. The only problem is focus and my heart distraction. I do believe I can get back to my usual self again.I can be studious and steadfast if need be. I measuer my accomplishment week at a time, bit more helpful when day s are just blurry instance. This week is a short one, I think I did ok considering. Communicaion open and being let to be helpful even in such a minimum way also helps.

Meeting People, Reconnect, Rejuvenate

2007-05-29T02:16:00.000-04:00

I met few new people last week, made new friends, both virtual and first life. Reconnection with some people I have known online and rejuvenation of old friendship. All and all its good. I realized being in a closed and hidden place for the last few years have cost me some connectiona. I have focused so much on maintaining something so fragile and in sort of mystery that I lost grab of the importance, reality and closeness of plain old friendship. Now, I am gaining them again, slowly, I hope the same with you. Though I must say, I could have throw them agin fo that is the cost asked for.

I meet up with two new flickr contact through JimmyOK. Meet with strangers by taking their turista pictures and emailing them later in the week. Connected with old contact from textamerica. etc etc.

mo @ veselka

2007-05-27T04:05:00.001-04:00

mo @ veselka
Originally uploaded by tilo driessen.

I was flickring through a stream of beautiful photographs from Tilo Driessen's trip to Iran. Then remembered this picture of me taken by him while visiting NYC. I like this, I look happy, I must be happy then.

Fast Week

2007-05-26T22:57:00.000-04:00

This week has been a very fast one. It went zooming past me with just a slight breeze on my face, not even enought to ruffle my hair. Well, the hair is now so short it would need a hurricane to do so. The point is I do not accomplish much this week, creatively nor logically. Though I think I dug my self deeper in the miserable aspect of my soul torturing past tense.
I like fast week like this, if the weekend happend to be an oasis to rest both mind and soul.
I hate a fast week like this if my weekend turned out to be just a mirage filled with wonderment of one's whereabout.

Math Day at Work

2007-05-22T16:56:00.000-04:00

I am working on a math project, creating a online tools to be use to help teacher assess children Math temperature. During this project I use all my previous experience and knowledge in designing interative application to be use by young children. I have done many of this kind of project but this is the first one with math as a subject. I am having a great deal of fun, and very much encouraged to do a great job. Math is not my forte, but I wish I had this kind of application back then, for my teacher to use in helping me. I could have been a math wiz, no?

Meeting an old friend.

2007-05-21T01:59:00.000-04:00

Meeting an old friend yesterday. It was long overdue. I have not seen or talk to her since last February. We had a great time, we did not talking that much but knew that we care very much about each other well being. I concern about her health, she seems fragile, weak and full of cloud, though still gracious and her self.
The short of conversation we had, gave me the insight on how perfect the images of you and I on her. Another hurdle to pass through that would put my friendship with her at stakes. You are her golden kid, so am I, but I am supposed to be your mentor as I am her confidant and friend. Knowledge of all, will destroy this.

Drawing again

2007-05-19T12:44:00.000-04:00

It's has been a while since the last time I carried my sketchbooks with me. Sometime more than one, for various drawing projects I have going on. My interest in photography had side tracked me. the need to carry a camera, sometimes cameras (Yes, if I am into something I am really ito it) led me to let the books home. Now I am back in the swing of it, but carrying only one for now. I am trying to balance. One camera, one sketch book.

Camera: Nikon D80, with a couple of lense 50mmf1.8 AF and 105mmf1.8 manual.
Sketchbook: Italian made, a gift from my friend Denise.

Tired of it all.

2007-05-13T23:47:00.000-04:00

I have to stay up all night tonight. Working on a commitment to design. I am exhausted, mentally and physically, but I can't get out of this. I have been thinking of getting my self out of this rut. no more freelancing, no more working all night because I have to. I want to shed the impression of a workaholic. I want to be able to feel weekend lightly, unscheduled, and unpressured. I used to be able to handle this easily. Have the lost that happened recently has something to do with this? How come I suddenly so susceptible to weary, fatigue and boredom?

Back in the funk

2007-05-12T15:33:00.000-04:00

I have always telling friends, or just anybody whom I am comfortable with, how complex my life is. What I should be telling them actually, is how I want my life to be or appear to be complex. Once a friend's response made me realize how quite simple life is, specially mine. It is all about choice: decide and move on. She is a smart one!
In many cases I am unable to decide, I'll put my self in a funk. Bewildering thoughts and feelings took over, and I am not the nicest person to be around with. Realizing this I tend to hide in my shel, till the funk is over.

Planned Projects

2004-01-19T01:30:00.000-05:00

We all have so many projects planned in our live span. Some we pursued whole hearted some hmm, when we feel like it. I have about 8 of them running and 20 more being conceived in my head. I am not worry about the 8, I am worry about the 20 or more as they are distracting the proggress of the 8....

Deep Breath

2002-08-08T04:33:00.000-04:00

I took a deep breath and sit down.
When many things happens around you, in their own tempos, slow, fast, in blurs. Things look the same before they suddenly disappeared. While you are moving fast, furious, things seem to stop, idling, but not waiting, nor caching up with you. When you stop and look back, see them racing away, sure you are to turn and chase. You see, mistakes, regrets and miss opportunities, walking hand in hands into your door of forgotten memories.
You see new friends you don't make, enemy with a knive, bloodied to the hilt. You caress the scar in your back, and another deep breath, stand to start again. Settling into the comfortable blurs, which sure to surround you in no time.

Rusty at first day of summer

2002-06-21T16:16:00.000-04:00

Haven't done a blog in a while. A bit rusty. Have to go trough FTP site to find all the links. I am thinking of adding this feature to my work staging.
Well today is the first day of summer. It is glorious outside. Some people think Fall and Spring are the best time to be in NY, I think its Summer!
Hot and humid and bright, just the way I love it.

Swordfish

2001-05-28T16:59:00.000-04:00

I spent some time looking at swoordfish hacking game, have no clue what so ever on what is going on. Funny though, how some people take this as serious fun, check out the messag board. I heard there is even better and much global gameplay for A.I.

Short Term Memory

2001-05-21T02:55:00.000-04:00

Well, still up. Finished couple of pages, after strugling to recal my login. Have started doubting my short term memory a while back, even more nowadays. I should sleep more during weekdays. Naps on transit just don't cut it anymore?

Little Sleep

2001-05-21T01:05:00.000-04:00

I always tell people how I only need very little sleep. I stayed up all night most times, doing cats know what. It's only an hour after midnight and I am fading fast. I should have smaller dinner.

First Post

2001-05-21T00:42:00.000-04:00

opening up. Wondering what other neat stuff I can find on the web. I actually have so many other things to do. Things that are more important, always saved to be done later. Near the end of the much needed time. I like rushing, I like slowing down just so I can rush or be rushed.